Where did all the weeks go? Didn’t I just start this whole marathon training thing?! Now I’m nearly done with my taper, the race is in just a few more days, and I’m nervous. In fact, I’ve been nervous for the past two weeks and the anxiety (and anticipation) builds with each day. I try to not think about it, but of course that’s impossible. And now I’m second guessing everything; is my goal too unrealistic…will my nutrition and water be enough…did I run enough miles…what about that one weekend I took off…I’m pretty sure I don’t eat enough carbs…I didn’t lose enough weight….
This is the kind of nervousness where there is a rock in my gut, adrenaline shoots through my limbs, and I’m edgy all the time. It’s pre-race jitters times ten! Basically, I’m just scared. I’m scared because I know this might hurt, but mostly I’m scared of being disappointed. I’m scared that I’ve built it all up and will walk away a lot slower. I’m scared that my family is coming all this way and spent all this money to watch me do something unimpressive. I’ve fully acknowledged these fears, and I think this has helped…a little. I know I have a LOT of excuses to not do well, but I’m really not willing to accept that.
Yesterday I got an Email from a friend from high school (who now coaches as McKirdy Trained) with a bit of a pep-talk. He said “my goals are greater than my fear”. This is just all kinds of true. In the past I have certainly let that fear of failure and disapointment hold me back. I’ve let it stop me from trying. I’ve let it keep me from attending races (this is why I’m 32 years old and four pregnancies deep and just now getting around to this!) But something about me has changed since December. I am afraid, but I am also really focused. I want that goal – this marathon – more than I want to give in to the fear. Instead of trying to talk myself down from the fear and the nerves; instead of trying to rationalize it or shove it away, I’ve realized I can live with it. I can be scared and run well. I can have fear and goals. What I can’t do is let the fear become greater than the goal by making it an excuse. I may have a lot of excuses, but nerves is not one of them this time. My goal IS greater than my fear and I can’t wait for Sunday so I can go prove to myself just how awesome I am!